For flips sake! Turns out that whilst I was snuggled up in bed with Percy munching on rice and watching 'Escape from New York', the American girls arrived and upped the ante. Whilst we sipped tea discussed Snake Plisskins role in educating the 80's Americans of the dangers of fundamentalist theocracy, the others had all stripped off and continued the pool party butt naked until 5 in the morning. Whilst Percy and I were tucked up and quietly snoring away dreaming of the green pastures of merry old blighty. Just outside our door we had unrivaled sexual shenanigans going on! On the bright side though we have no hangover whilst I am looking at the Welsh who have collapsed in a state of disarray on the airport seating. It is questionable whether or not they are still breathing.

Leaving Cochin now, we've had a pleasant few days relaxing by the pool and dining on fine food. The welsh gave us a cracking send off yesterday with a midday pool party, resulting in the usual debauchery one would expect. Ultimately the frivolities had to cease when a bottle of gin was smashed in the paddling pool section. Percy and I withdrew sozzled to watch escape from New York and consume food stuffs whilst the Welsh continued with round 2 in the pool.

So Percy continued valiantly in his attempt to woo said anonymous hot chick. Meanwhile, I joined the Eton boys in a pool invasion. Lovely water until we were ejected by hotel staff. They used the traditional bovine tactic of forming a circle and staring until you get the flip out. This worked wonders and I retreated to inform Percy who was blissfully unaware and uninterested in the increasingly annoyed boyfriend of said female. So I grabbed Dr. Nic, and we went for round 2 in the pool. Came back and Percy was busy dancing so joined him to the MJ soundtrack. A ton of naked Etonites stormed the ** some text is missing **

Ffs! After his little BJ fiasco Percy appears dead set of scoring with a ridiculously hot beastie! This is not cricket, I'm about to explode with rage unless the fates set me on a similar course. Or unless some one buys me a beer, that would also be acceptable.

So a few moments of controversy with our DJ, namely with the appalling RnB that he insists on playing every other song. Also with Bon Jovi who rocks - but not according to big man Percy who remained clamped to his chair. So Greg and I gripped his chair and carried them both to the centre of the mosh where after a lap dance from some random brunette he loosened up considerably.

Now Vishnu has just cut off a mans head for trying to bag his Tranny. Apparently this is the condensed version of the performance, the full version lasts seven days. Ffs, I'm off to the bar.

Now Visnu is trying to seduce the tranny. Religions around the world have shown gods displaying a lack of taste in sexual partners and this is not the first example. The Greek Gods (and there renamed Roman carbon copies) were partial to a bit of bestiality. Mary had an affair with the Holy Ghost (or whatever his name was). To my knowledge however, this is the first example I've seen of an omnipresent being mistaking a man for a woman.

Arrived at the victory party, being a bit low in cash, Dr. Nic and I bought beers from the pint parlor for 50 rupees each and then flogged them on the party boat for 100 rupees. Percy was in awe at my enterprising spirit and has gratefully begun drinking our profits with gusto.

So Percy and I just had a discussion on what exactly warrants being 'culturally sensitive'. In my opinion it means wearing yellow, smoking pot and saying peace a lot. In Percys eyes it is not photographing the natives when they are being ridiculous. Just watched the worlds most ridiculous martial arts display, some quite frankly appalling dancing, some music that lacks rhythm, melody or vocal talent and finally a tranny in a massive dress do a display of facial features. Now we are watching the Tranny try and screw Vishnu. Quite how this kind of heresy is allowed I'll never no. Thankfully Vishnu seems about as interested in the tranny as we are.

so a few of the other teams rocked up today. We've been waiting since 10am for them and at 7.30pm we are too drunk to wait any more. Congrats to the teams who arrived today (except for the skanks who cheated by getting the train - you know who you are!). See you tomorrow, to those who are yet to arrive - by rickshaw!

It is true…..despite the Rick coughing and spluttering for the last few hundred kms and Tom having the navigational powers of a prune, we have made it to Cochin!

The Aussies and ourselves made a gentlemen's agreement to cross the line simultaneously, and so we did. It feels good to have made it. We're just chilling out now, doing a fair bit of boozing before the final party tomorrow night. There's a game of cricket with the locals scheduled for tomorrow  too :-)

In other news, Tom has chopped down his jeans to make some disgustingly short shorts. He thinks they make him look like Axel Rose circa 1992 but he actually resembles a giant homosexual scout leader with a penchant for denim.

Hooray!

J

So, when scaling the rickshaw for our photoshoot I tore my jeans. Opting to double my innate sexiness, I converted them into denim shorts. The end consequence of this rather rash action is that the mozzies are homing in on my brilliant white legs with tremendous enthusiasum. I'm slapping away at the beasts whilst Percy smirks away with an almost Tory sense of smug satisfaction.

Our voyage is complete, we came joint 5th with Mocra Off Railers. Blimming chuffed at our success, in awe at our masculinity. Together we have conquered all adversity, defeated our rivals, crushed our enemies and subdued the elements. We did this using cunning, guile, brute force and scotch. Knackered, waiting for a beer, signing out.

Last leg, final burst of hectic energy to get to Cochin and end the race. Our beast is breathing heavily and struggling badly. Last night we teamed up with two Brit chicks, three Aussies and five American kids for a raging game of Ring of Fire. We consumed far too much liquor, Percy chugged the Kings cup and was sick. The hotel staff tried in vain to moderate us with a copy of the Holy Bible, but alas we ran riot. Percy was to ill to join us in our kebabs but still managed to rise heroicly this morning at 4.30 for the last part of our epic journey.

I feel like crying big fat tears. Beach is lovely, sea is warm but the locals are all fully dressed. It is scorching here yet they are acting positively Victorian. A few have dangled there toes whilst holding up their trousers/skirts but that is it. Do they not swim? Argh! Bundling off to a hotel now.

Important Update: Percy and I have no intention of sharing the same pothole. We would also like to reassure our mothers that we have lots of condoms and a small bottle of spermacidal lube.

Just travelled down a jungle infested mountain and made the beach. After 15 days of abstainance Percy and I are keen to bury our love lances into someones pothole.

The fast food war has ceased. We are laying down our baked goods and the Aussies are laying down there pre-licked digestives. We have declared the first Anglo-Aussie war a draw.

We just made an export to the colonies via the medium of a barrage of vegetable pakoras, directly into an Aussie tuk tuk. Rob escaped without harm but Dr. Nic and Greg got some vegan force to the face. UPDATE: In direct retaliation the Aussies have doused Percy in boiled vegetables in a spicy gravy. He now looks disgusting but smells tasty.

Relaxing on our hotels rooftop bar with sunlight streaming down onto our rather sexual faces. An ice cold beer in my hand and some rather delicious company. I have noticed that the chicks get hotter the more south west you get.

Mysore! What a great drive, sun, palm trees and a rousing rendition of Mozart in the back of our tuk tuk. The only draw back to an otherwise idyllic adventure was a horrific speed bump which has robbed me of the ability to produce children. Percy however emerged unscathed and thus whilst the future of Webb family remains in doubt, the Purcells can expect hundreds of tiny little goggle eyed, curly haired oiks scampering around and generally causing havoc.

Cracking meal last night, top notch. Imbibed numerous cocktails and then trotted back to the hotel (minus the trots, which was nice) and then Percy hummed me to sleep to the tune of Jerusalem. That's one thing to admire in a good team mate, they always have a lullaby to hand to ease troubled sleep.

We decided we were a bit behind schedule so decided to put in a couple of seriousdays of driving. The first involved a 500km slog to Hyderabad which took 14 hours - can you imagine what it's like to drive a distance that's basically the length of England on what is basically a moped in a dress? It is not pleasant, and I drove the whole distance myself. We have decided that Tom should not be allowed such responsibility following a incident involving a ditch and a botched overtaking manouevre!
Aargh - got to leave net cafe. To cut a long story short, we are in Bangalore - broke down on the way, got towed by a truck and just had a spifftabulous meal on the 13th floor of a big building, kelstrels circling overhead!
J

Well, we managed to get it going long enough to get to Bangalore. Now relaxing in our hotel, nice room. Sharing a double bed with old Percy, who being the old romantic is fiercely punishing the squat pot. Just about to head off now and explore the town, witness the delights of Indian society and then get callously drunk with an excess of alcoholic beverages.

The beast is slain :(, currently being towed by a lorry to the next town.

The beast is alive! A yokal fixed her up, but added a speed limiter. Rob is currently overclocking her to BatMobile standards!

Breaking news! The rick is down, I repeat, the rick is down. Despite sterling work from one of the team engineers our carberetta is dying a horrible death. We're currently limping to the next town. This of course all happened three minutes after I started to drive so the blame has settled like a black cloud over myself of course. I shall proclaim my innocence with my dying breath of course and every breath up till that sorrowsome moment.

Last night we settled in the diminuative town of Googie, which like most small Indian towns was dusty, smelly and populated by a ton of beggar children. It did however have some cracking street venders selling some top notch grub. Plus it had a ton of monkeys to amuse us, they scamper around stealing from the stalls and raising merry havoc. We then much to our delight found an off license and bought a ton of super strong beer. Fed and watered we played Cheat for a considerable period until suitably sloshed we settled down to sleep. Five men, one bed. Kinda sexy when you think about it. The reality however is less enjoyable, after two weeks on the road we smell really bad, we've eaten street food and flatulence in my team mates is building up to toxic levels. To top it off, at 11 the air con powers down when they switch off the generator. The sweaty, putrid forms of five slumbering adult men have now become immensly unpleasant. To top it all off, a cricket enters the room at midnight and chirps away merrily with the level vigour and volume one normally associates with a pilled up, raving chav.

My incredibly manly 'tash combined with our insane antics on the road have combined to make Percy and I speak in the manner of Jeremy Clarkson. Moderately perturbing.

Just met our first policeman. He checked all our papers and then attempted to fine us 500 rupees for unsecured luggage. We refused to pay so he discounted the fine to 200. We kicked up an almighty fuss and told them that all fines were to go through the British Embassy and got through scot free. Guess they didn't want to risk the wrath of the British Empire. Either that or they were fearful of Percys monobrow as it rose with his increasing rage and angst.

Jeebers, what a day yesterday. Apologies for the lack of updates, we were shattered. Drove 500km to Hydrabad in a epic 14 hour driving session (max speed 35mph). Ate some medicore food and stayed in a mediocre hotel but slept like champions. It is now so hot that we require air con at night. Mozzies are also starting to appear but we are totally dosed up on protective meds and coated in DEET. So far I have yet to be bitten which is ace, I think they prefer his more salty diet. Plus he definately has more meat on his bones! Today we had a lie in till eight and we are now motoring along to Bangalore. Aiming to get half way today.

Blimey, absolutely shattered. 4 hours sleep last night, 6 the night before. In other news: our heads. Not only do we have minor hangovers but alas we also have massively bruised craniums. You see, India is a nation of midgets, meandering through the street is oft like featuring in the classic film 'Time Bandits'. A consequence of this is that door frames are designed based on the Indian standard height (ISH) and Percy and I are constantly bashing in our skulls.

Nagpur

We've reached the half way point of our journey and a place called Nagpur.

Just had a fantastic meal in our hotel after a very long day of travelling. We stayed in Khana national park yesterday and went tiger trekking this morning. Tigers, it turns out, are very shy and don't like to make themselves visible EVEN if you say "here kitty kitty" or offer them tuna steak.So we didn't manage to find one, but did see various other creatures and saw some lovely conutryside. After five hours of that we drove for a further 7 hours to get here.

The tuk tuk remains in one (rather rickety) piece. We visited the garage yesterday and got her patched up and running like a dream. In fact this was the first time it became a 'her' rather than a 'he' because she sounded so nice and smooth! However, after today's blast and many bumps and bashes she has once again taken on a more maculine sound as the exhaust is half off. Maybe one day we'll get through a day without a bit falling off...

We're up at 6 tomorrow to try and cover the 500km to Hyderabad - wish us luck!

J

Just bust through an illegal toll gate with the assist of 'Mocha on railing'. Our tuk tuks bust through as the boom was dropping and then we were pursued by motorcyclists. Thankfully when they caught up with us and forced us off the road it was two brits, two kiwis and an aussie vs three unarmed Indians. Dr. Nic of 'ruby on rails' fame sent them packing. We are now continuing.

Just leaving Khanda National Park. We did a safari and saw jackals, deer, wild boar, monkeys, Indians, storks and peacocks. Unfortunately we didn't have time to meet the tigers so apologies to them, but we'll bring extra kittie kibble next time as compensation. Extremely well fed, might be getting fat. Glorious sunshine although this morning was freezing. Getting a sexy tan at present though. Percy is browning nicely and I'm sun blushed.

Just serviced our rick! Extensive repairs needed, welding, new parts, everything is tight and sexy. Purring like a puddycat. Everyone is staring with envy at our shiny rick. We are definitely gonna pull now! Percy keeps stroking her, I am growing increasingly alarmed that leaving the rickshaw might be a heart breaking experience for him.

Reclining in a comfy padded chair and jabbering with fellow rick drivers. Left Percy to guard the rick. Will call him in if we need anything carried. Ah! Now a local has provided a soothing drink of water and a tasty cuppa tea. Could use a vigorous backrub and a few snacks for so far this day has been quite sublime. I wonder how Percy is doing?

Lost in the city AGAIN. This time with Aussies though so chances of beer remain high.

Leaving to hunt for a Bajaj mechanic. Interesting night, we had the Indian equivilent of John Inman as our concierge offering himself on a plate to us. We considered accepting and bagging our first local right up until the point where Rob (one of the Aussies) called him a cheeky monkey. At that point conversation ceased, our hot water was terminated and we got a bloody 4.30 am wake up call! Grr!

Arrived at Jababpur. Percy and I are currently sharing a bed with three Aussies (all men). Ate way too much and consumed super strong beer. Huge argument with the waiters when one of the Aussies attempted usage of forged currency. Argumented resolved by successful claim of a language barrier.

Crashed the rick into a field. Some yokals got us out and we are continuing.

Balls, we managed 70 kph before the engine blew.

Triple the speed limit? In a tuk tuk? Sometimes I think that there is nothing our team can't achieve!

We just got a bit fruity and then I fed Percy a salty treat.

Percy has given me a sore bum!

A passenger on a passing bus vommed on our Rick! Bastards! Where did the road go?? Jeez, they aren't even trying anymore.

Escaped Allahbad. Lost 15 mins stuck behind a cow. Forced to watch a native deficate in the gutter. Scarred for life. Indian cities are mazes.

The first few days

Allahabad
We're on the move! (albeit at a slower pace than predicted)
Strike completed, Rickshaw and start line found, we got on the road on the 2nd. The sight of 40 or so of our outstandingly garish vehicles all trundling down the road in convoy was quite something to behold. It had a real carnival feel. Our instruction in the use of the 'shaw lasted approximately 30 seconds so we had to get to grips with it on the open road. As you can imagine, this made for some pretty tasty moments on Nepal's mountain roads and even more treacherous roundabouts!
Within the first hour we had broken down; our fuel line simply popped off the engine and dumped a whole tank of fuel all over the road! I popped the line back on, gaffer taped it together for security and we were back on the road in no time. Various bits have since fallen off our motor but we have generally been able to rescue them before anything too vital has gone missing. We've had to reattach the engine to the chassis (no joke), replace the spark plug lead, dismantle the carburetor, TIE our exhaust on with rope and fix the battery in place with steel wire!
But the locals have been great and we have been able to continue, weird noises and spluttering engine considered part of the fun...
With the technical challenges and one day of severe hangovers, progress has been slow. But today we managed to get up at 5:45 and cover a good 250 km which, when you can only do 50-60 km/h maximum, is not bad at all. We've been trying to reach our destinations before night fall because when we have arrived at night things get very hectic and visibility drops to near zero because EVERYBODY drives with their main beams glaring. Reaching Allahabad today is the first time we've actually managed it before dark, but after some hairy moments in a place called Mau yesterday we swore to ourselves to try and stick to the daylight in future!
We've been travelling in a sort of convoy with a team of Australians at the moment since we rescued them in the dark 21km from their destination. We ended up having to tow their rickshaw to safety before squeezing 5 of us in to ours and driving all of us to our hotel!
 Gotta go - I need feeding.
James
Ps. My phone is not working at all so I can't receive texts or calls afraid :-( TOm's phone is working fine so if you need me, call him.

Escaped Varanasi and overtook an elephant on the motorway. 65 km from Allahbad now!

Trapped in Varanasi, can't navigate our blimming way free! Tonights target is Rewa.

Arrived at Mau yesterday. Saw an elephant which was awesome. Got agro from a few yokals. Ate great street fodder, drove in the dark which was terrifying. Woke to a blackout, so used up one of our mil grade glow sticks. Woken up by the Aussies who needed a room. So far no casualties on either ourside or the yokals. Today we penetrate the interior and up the stakes!

On the road again. The kiwis cheated on the no gps rule by hiring a native guide. We are travelling behind them but definalty not following!

Extremely hungover. Excessive gin. Pushed Percy into a room of slumbering Aussies and he threw a tv at my head. Left hotel in a hurry.

Is ecstatic that Percy now has extreme mentalist runs of the highest order. The speed and velocity of his leavings really is alarming.

Got our catalytic converter cleaned,spark plugs replaced and exhaust fixed for £2.Rescued the Aussie branch of the league when our CC died properly.Finally made it to hotel,almost ran over a cow in the city.

Survived landslide on the mountain pass. Blimming cold though!

News Flash

NEWS FLASH

Webbo has got the runs!!!

He is delighted the General Strike is on. A Rickshaw is not a good place to be when your bowel movements are unpredictable.

Our room smells very bad. So bad that I am considering joining the strikers outside. Anything for some fresh air!

Happy New Year (General Strike)

Happy New Year good people! I trust you have all had a fun festive time and are suitably stuffed on pies port and the rest. May the year ahead be better than the last, unless of course it was really good - you can't ask for too much.

So we're in Pokhara, the location of the Rickshaw Run start line. We're supposed to be on the road at the moment but.........................there's a GENERAL STRIKE! They do strikes properly here. There's none of this boring old placard waving and group sing songs. There's nationwide lock-down which means no vehicles are allowed on the road! Oh, and the last time this happened (a few weeks back) about 70-100 people were killed. So we're steering clear of gatherings for today! Apparently everything will be back up and running tomorrow so we should start our trek then.
Pokhara's a great place to be stuck though -it's surrounded by mountains and has a very picturesque lake - so we can't really complain. We went to a great New Years Eve party last night, got rather drunk and danced about to a Nepalese rock band and several drunken Scottish types performing a seemingly endless version of Auld Lang Syne. It was just like watching Jools Holland really.